the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize