what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
