I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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