No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
