I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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