why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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