I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
