My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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