You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
