Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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