Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize