Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
