I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
