I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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