She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
