I murdered the dance floor call the cops
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
