Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
