Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
