My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
