Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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