Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
