He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
