You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
