what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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