First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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