you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize