yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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