What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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