Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
