The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
