these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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