So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
