thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize