Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
