How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
