I feel like abortions should bother me more
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
