just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
