What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
