No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
