heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
