my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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