this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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