it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
