I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
