all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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