I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
