is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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