My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
