In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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