Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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