My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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