So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
