I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
