The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
