He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just invented taco cereal.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
