Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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