I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
