the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
