Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
