Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
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