if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
