I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
